Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
You left your phone here
Wait...
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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