I skipped work to stalk him.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
