But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
