Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
