When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Randomize