I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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