She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
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