Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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