I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
