Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
She bit a glass in half.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
