i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize
