I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
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