sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
3 2 1 whiskey
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Randomize
