Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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