I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Randomize
