I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Randomize
