I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
