Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
