Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
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