Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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