We won't sleep together?
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
