Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize
