You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
