I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
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