I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize