Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
