i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Randomize
