she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
