I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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