one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
