Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
I believe in your delicious
You ate ashes out of my bong
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize