You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Randomize
