all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
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