Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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