I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
