How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
