This is not my ceiling
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
