I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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