i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Randomize
