i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
