While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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