Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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