tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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