On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
