hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
