I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Sorry my hands just texted you
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
