My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Randomize
