You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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