He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
