it hurts more in the daytime
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
