That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
