I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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