I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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