i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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