If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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