I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
That's awesome and prob the first time you had an idea of what to do. I'm super proud of you Chelz
Its cos im stoned ! My high self is maturing
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
