it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
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