Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
he fucked my hip out of place.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
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